Where did YOU go?

Sigh. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

I feel deceived. When I met you, you were on fire for God. You used to dig into the Word. You used to pray with me and for me. And then, one day, I found out it was all a lie to impress me. That cut me deeper than anything else. Because my heart's desire from the time I was a little girl dreaming about my future, I knew I wanted to be a Pastor's Wife. Which is what I thought you aspired to be. I fell in love with you because of that fire.

Yet here we are now. I can't say anything to you, not even about the great I AM. I'm listening to you, yes. And inwardly, I'm crying from the heartbreak as I watch your hope die. As I watch you become angry at God for all the ways he's disappointed you. No church. No bible. No praying. Only Anger. Only Frustration. Only Nothingness. I am watching you speak such destruction over yourself, I worry. I wonder. And I wait on the very God you now want nothing to do with.

If I could make the choice for you to wholeheartedly follow Jesus Christ, I would. But I can't. And so I wait. I pray. I ask God to show me how to show you kairos love, love in action. God has shown me how the enemy's attacking you. So thankfully, a good friend pointed out that really, it's never you I'm fighting with. It's always the enemy.

I wish you could hear the words of Jesus Christ, what he's saying to you. That he hasn't abandoned you like you thought. How much he really loves you. I know you feel your life is so crazy, so upside down, that you're questioning your own decisions.

But on the flip side,you have a wife that is declaring and speaking the Word of God over you. I am praying God will do whatever it takes to reach you. The clock is ticking down, and the last thing I want to do is to spend eternity without you.

As much as that is my heart's desire, I know it's my Abba God's heart desire even more. And I pray through my example, you are won over to Him. I'm not leaving. I'm digging my heels in and standing my ground. I will fight for you and stand in the gap for you until the enemy loses his grip on your life. I'm not going to abandon you in this fight.

So I believe God for a suddenly move in your life. That you are completely set free and healed entirely from your past. That you are indeed a mighty man of God. That the blessings of God will overtake you. That the favor of God surrounds you as a shield. That God did call us here to Houston, and that His purposes for our lives will prevail, both individually and as a married couple. That you hear God's voice and are quick to obey it. That you are slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to become angry. That God's perfect love casts out fear. That we're seeking God's kingdom and his righteousness first, and all these things will be added to our lives.That the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. That God's joy is unspeakable for you and full of His glory. That you will run to him and not be afraid to cling to Him as he rejoices in your return.

I never thought in a bazillion years I'd have to stand alone, believing God for you, as my heart feels like it's breaking. I miss the way.

Generational prayers...

I love those nights when I dream dreams about my boys.  We don't get to hang out nearly enough for my liking, but either way, I know my Daddy loves me so much that he knows how I value my time with them that He'd give me fun dreams where I get to hang with them. Even in the moments where my heart aches from missing them, I know the day is coming where we'll be together for eternity.  At least that is my prayer.  My boys all know the truth of God's word, and that He is the way, the truth, and the life.  I'm sure every mom who knows Jesus Christ as their savior has had to pray their children will know Jesus Christ as their own savior and that their lives will be lived worthy of the calling that He has called them to purpose for the kingdom.  And I'm very sure grandparents who pray have even more of an effect.

You see, I have the most incredible grandmother in the world.  I don't get to see her as much as I'd like these days either, and it's hard to watch the effects of time bear weight on her health.  This woman was the one who made sure friends from church got to come over when I was little for slumber parties.  She'd let me completely wreck her hair playing beauty salon with her to the point she'd have to go the salon the next day to have it professionally fixed again.  She'd always encourage us to sing in church.  Never a day goes by that I don't remember how much fun and joy I've had at her house growing up.  I remember the more recent trials in my life, how she encouraged me by her example to live my life worthy of the calling God gave me.  I like to think I got my sense of humor from her, too.  I asked her one day how she shows respect to her husband.  She said, "Who says I respect him?" which made me laugh.  I know she loves Paul dearly and is one amazing wife to him. 

So grandma, I just have to tell you how blessed I am to be called your granddaughter.  I'm so thankful for your example.  I'm so thankful you let my daughters still play beauty shop with you when we come to visit.  I'm thankful for every holiday we have the honor of spending with you.  I'm thankful for the legacy of Christ that you left for me.  And more than ever, I look forward to spending eternity with you in your new, improved body.  I know God blessed me when he put me in your family line. 

I love you!

My first love...

God has a way of confirming what He's told you over and over again until you begin to listen, hear, see, and understand.

Not so long ago, one of my dearest friends in the entire world gave me a book called "Jesus Calling." It's short, quick devotionals. Today's really hit home for me, and ties into my earlier blog post this week.

YOU CANNOT SERVE TWO MASTERS. If I am truly your Master, you will desire to please Me above all others. If pleasing people is your goal, you will be enslaved to them. People can be harsh taskmasters when you give them this power over you.

If I am the Master of your life, I will also be your First Love. Your serving Me is rooted and grounded in My vast, unconditional Love for you. The lower you bow down before Me, the higher I lift you up into intimate relationship with Me. The Joy of living in My Presence outshines all other pleasures. I want you to reflect My joyous Light by living in incresing intimacy with me.

(Taken from Jesus Calling, Page 130)

I'm sitting here this morning, kind of frustrated because the job server for my main contract is down. I have to complete at least 200 pages of transcription every two weeks. I'm way behind because life has thrown us some curveballs this week. But then this stark reminder. My first love. The lover of my soul, who longs to share intimacy with ME, his beloved daughter. What love this is that He has for me, and I must BE in that light. Wow.

God's Lavish Love for me...

(Disclaimer:  You know, I'm not God.  I would encourage you to go to the Word of Truth yourself (AKA the Bible) and SEE for yourself what God has to say on marriage.  Don't take my word as His absolute truth.  These are only my thoughts.  Just a thought before you waste money on another marriage retreat, or a book, or what some guy has to say about marriage.  The answers really are in the Bible.)

As of late, I've been hit with a revelation about marriage.  Saying there is something wrong with your marriage is like saying something is wrong with God himself.  He created marriage, so it is already perfect.  What is wrong is there are two imperfect individuals, where the enemy begins to hide in their individual issues and secretly tries to divide and conquer a one-flesh bond because he knows the danger of this great mystery.

My issue?  I have idols.  An idol is anything that comes before God in your life.  And if you thought a man could be jealous for his wife if any man should try to hit on her, that pales in comparison to how jealous God is for your love, to be first in your life.  My idols are seemingly innocent things.  For example, getting caught up with what is going on with my husband and making his issues my issues.  Missing my three boys from my first marriage as a battle to even see them continues to rage.  Raising a large family.  Throwing myself into countless hours of working from home.  All of these have taken priority over my Abba, who is my first love. 

So today, as I'm hit with the very fact that it is time to make Jesus my first love again, I am drowning in His love that He has lavished on me, that I should be called a daughter of God! It's so nice to KNOW God all over again, to be in intimate fellowship with Him. 

From a Mother's Heart

Yes, usually this blog is about being a wife. But today, I feel a strong need to write a letter to each of my children.

Dear Chase,
I can't believe you're almost 15. Wasn't it just yesterday I heard your tiny squeak, rocked you to sleep, laughed every time I burped you and you sounded like a clucking chicken? I look now at the young man you've become. You are stubborn and strong willed, and you have an amazing sense of humor.  Never again can I walk to the front of our church as we pray over our tithes and offerings and not remember the moment when we got done praying and you put your hands in, saying, "Church on 3!  Break!" I laugh every time.  I love how your mind is so bent on science and the wonder of how God made things work.  I love to experience life with you.  My prayer for you is Proverbs 2:10:  For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.  Don't forget what you learned about God when you were young, and do not depart from it now. God is your ever-present help in times of trouble. You are so amazing, Chase. I'm so glad God gave me you as an wonderful gift!

Dear Abigail,
Your very name means "father's joy." You truly are your father's joy, both here on Earth and in Heaven.  You are my joy too.  You have grown into a young woman over the past six years I've known you. You long to please others.  And I pray that longing turns into a strong desire to please your Daddy God. My prayer for you is Colossians 1:9-11:  For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord,to  please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.  You have also a very compassionate heart for others.  I pray that this trait is grown in you.  You melt my heart every time you tell me you're praying for my boys to come home.  You see things and feel things.  I look forward to watching you grow and mature in Christ, my daughter.

Dear Hunter,
You, my dear son, are what is known as a peacemaker.  As Matthew 5:9 states:  Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.  You are already a son of God.  I had the unique privilege as a parent to pray with you as you made the choice to decide for God and accept Him as your savior.  You are strong-willed yet you do not stand for injustice.  You have a spirit that draws people to you.  I never see you lacking in friends.  You work quickly to mediate and bring peace to any situation.  My prayer for you is I Timothy 2:1-6:  First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity. This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself as a ransom for all, the testimony given at the proper time.  I pray that as God takes you before kings and all authority, Jesus Christ will flow through you as mediator.  I look forward to watching you grow and mature in all the knowledge of Christ Jesus.

Dear Rachel,
I never thought I'd be so blessed to have a daughter with my name. Funny how God worked that one out, huh?   Your very name means innocent lamb.  You are very innocent.  You are very caring towards others.  And you have a great desire to love and to be loved.  My prayer for you is Ephesians 3:14-19:  For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. I pray that you know this love of Christ through both your earthly dad and mom, that you are able to comprehend and accept that love and feel secure in that love.  I love that you persevere through so much and still manage to show love and compassion towards others.  You truly are a gift from God.  And I pray that one day, you will be able to accept me as God's gift to you as a mom.  I love you to the moon and back, kiddo.

Dear Caleb,
I love how silly you are.  I love every face that you make.  Your expressions are priceless.  I love that even at 7 years old, you still want to snuggle up with mom. I'll never forget the five million and ten times you've come up to me and said, "I love you, mom," with an awesome strong bear hug.  I also love that every time I see you, you just HAVE to tell me a knock-knock joke.  My prayer for you is Psalm 32:11:  Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart. May your heart grow and rejoice in the Lord! I am so grateful that I get to call you mine.  What a blessing you are!

Dear Hannah,
I know I've told you this countless times, but you are an answer to prayer of a desire of my own heart. I prayed for you for ten years.  God's grace and favor truly does rest on your life, even from the time you were conceived.  The docs told me immediately that you weren't going to survive.  And yet there you were, nine months later, screaming your head off when you were born.  You may be tiny, but you are definitely very intelligent already, and you have a very strong will.  I pray this trait will be used for God's kingdom and not by the enemy to destroy your life.  But you are giggle box at heart, and you love all things girl.  I can't forget all the stories about Sarah, your best imaginary friend, who lives in a sparkly purple house.  My prayer for you is 2 Corinthians 12:9:  And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  I pray that God's grace is perfected in your life through weakness, and that you always know that His grace and favor continually rest on your life. I love you, little one.

Dear Nate,
You are the only kiddo God specifically asked me if He could send.  I knew that if your dad ever had a boy, he wanted to name you Nathanael because of Nathanael in the Bible who saw angels ascending and descending from heaven.  Even at 3, you're always telling me that you see angels.  We have never talked much about angels other than in me praying over you at night.  But my heart is warmed because I know without a doubt that you see them.  I love all of your snuggles at night.  I love that you're learning to gain your own identity and independence.  I love that you're all boy and don't want anything to do with girly stuff.  My prayer is for you is John 1:49-51:  Nathanael answered Him, “Rabbi, You are the Son of God; You are the King of Israel.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Because I said to you that I saw you under the fig tree, do you believe? You will see greater things than these.” And He *said to him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you will see the heavens opened and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.” I pray that you will always see greater things in life and in everyone.  You are indeed a great gift to your mom. I cannot wait as I watch you grow and mature.  I love you!

In the midst, I BELIEVE...

When I met you six or so years ago, our entire relationship was chaotic. I thought by now that maybe it would not have been so chaotic.  Marriage is bliss, right?  A few days ago, it was revealed by the heart of my Father as to why it's been so chaotic.  My heart grieves for you, my husband.  It sees your destruction at hand, knowing full well that this battle for your life, God's plans for your life, for your very soul could very well go either way.  My heart grieves because you're so far away these days.  This marriage is going through a test like no other.  I never know what side of you I will see on this day. I may have my man is a knight in shining armor day, full of gentleness and tenderness and love. Or it may be a day where your anger, your pride, your hatred, your bitterness, all the works of the flesh have overpowered you and none of your family can stand against the onslaught, all of us cowering in fear of the show at hand. 

But you asked me today if things were ever going to change.  And the answer is I BELIEVE so much in the power of God working in you, that He will indeed carry you to the day of completion in Christ Jesus, that I know that they will permanently change.  The frustration will be gone in your life.  A complete freedom is coming to you; every chain will be broken off of your life and off your torrid past.  You will see and feel things in light of God's love for you.  I know it will happen because He's done a great work in me. 

But in the meantime, oh, how my heart grieves. The depth of the grief in my spirit for you is nothing I've ever felt before.  The only thing that could possibly break my heart in such a way from watching your life is happening before my very eyes.  I will stay with you and stand with you right by your side, ready to fully enjoy life with you and watch as the Father restores you.  I know the hard fall is coming soon.  And when the scales drop from your eyes, just know that you can come to me, and I will still love you then as much as I love you now, yet I know I will love you even more.

What I know more about you than anything is God gave you a persevering spirit.  I have watched you rise up time and again after being knocked down.  There is something so wonderful in you, so beautiful in you that I know my heart will rejoice in the joy of your salvation as much as it is grieving and heavy right now.

I do believe in you, and I still love you even when you're so far away.

Pain unlike any other...

I am beginning to understand the depths of what it is as a wife to have my heart so broken that I cannot bear the pain of it in the realization for the first time that my husband has never really KNOWN God.