Tuesday, February 21, 2017
I looked up today...
I am broken, and my heart hurts. As much as I love you, Superman, I came to a hard realization today. God's purpose for my life is a big deal for me. I thought it was a big deal for us. But I found out today that it's not going to be us. That nearly broke all of me. How is it that so few, yet so many words could shatter me into a million pieces? I'll smile at you, tell you I love you. I'll ask Abba to help me forgive, and help me show you unconditional love, and grace and mercy. But you know what? I'm not okay right now. I wish I could share my heart with you, could cry in front of you without fear of the backlash of sharing my weakness with you. I looked up today, and I realized that I'm struggling to remember who Abba says I am today. I hear your criticism. I hear your anger. I hear your fear. But I need more. I need more, Abba. I need to be able to rest. I need to feel your love. I need to be taught that love that casts out all of my fear. I need to know that through this immense pain, that all things are working together for my good. I need you to remind me of who I am, because all I hear right now is my accuser. And I know well how much my accuser lies to me. Oh, how my heart grieves right now. Joy. I want to know Joy without abandon.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Love on me without abandon...
I'm sitting here, thinking to myself, "What's the point of writing all of this down?" I don't feel like writing today, writing about where things are. Part of me doesn't want to hang out with Abba, but the bigger part of me does. But quiet and stillness don't often happen in the hours when my blessings are awake.
I was listening to Sid Roth this morning, hearing a fiery-haired woman talk about waking up in the morning, totally in love with the Holy Spirit. That got my thinking about that giddy feeling I had when I first met Ryan. I thought to myself, "Can I really have that kind of relationship with You?" "YES!" the Holy Spirit said. "Except you get to feel that giddiness of that first love with me all of the time, and that feeling will NEVER dissipate." Which gives me a total understanding of why Kathryn Kuhlman would be so grieved if she felt the Holy Spirit's presence left her, crying out, "Please don't grieve Him! He's all that I have!"
Thus began so many thoughts pouring into my spirit man today. So many thoughts in which my heart knows, but cannot write. But they're clear, precise answers, and I know the answer to what I was praying about yesterday, not knowing for certain if the thoughts going through my head were: 1. My thoughts, 2. The enemy's lies, or 3. God's thoughts for me.
I've been walking this very thin tightrope in relation to others around me, feeling for a while that the rope was about to snap. Like I've been pressed in so hard from every side, that taking a simple breath became a monumental struggle. Drowning, but no one to rescue me. Feeling like I'm not good enough to be a wife, or a mother, or a friend, or a sister, or a daughter, or even an employee. All relationships in different forms. Feeling like I want to be the best friend you ever had, but I'm not good enough to actually be your friend. Getting bombarded so heavily that I feel an inch high and maybe if I'm lucky, I can disappear and no one will notice. Wanting to be a part of a real church family, but too afraid I'm going to get stomped on again by some well-meaning Christian. (Yes, people in churches do hurt, and they do unfortunately hurt others.) I know they're all lies, and I'm slowly but surely renewing my mind in the Word as my Abba shows me what I need to combat the enemy's lies, and what the truth is.
So my prayer for today is such a simply profound one: Bombard me with your love, Abba. I need to know it fully, even as I am fully known. I need that love to cast out every hidden fear, buried fear. Love me so well, that I can so easily trust in You as I never have before.
I was listening to Sid Roth this morning, hearing a fiery-haired woman talk about waking up in the morning, totally in love with the Holy Spirit. That got my thinking about that giddy feeling I had when I first met Ryan. I thought to myself, "Can I really have that kind of relationship with You?" "YES!" the Holy Spirit said. "Except you get to feel that giddiness of that first love with me all of the time, and that feeling will NEVER dissipate." Which gives me a total understanding of why Kathryn Kuhlman would be so grieved if she felt the Holy Spirit's presence left her, crying out, "Please don't grieve Him! He's all that I have!"
Thus began so many thoughts pouring into my spirit man today. So many thoughts in which my heart knows, but cannot write. But they're clear, precise answers, and I know the answer to what I was praying about yesterday, not knowing for certain if the thoughts going through my head were: 1. My thoughts, 2. The enemy's lies, or 3. God's thoughts for me.
I've been walking this very thin tightrope in relation to others around me, feeling for a while that the rope was about to snap. Like I've been pressed in so hard from every side, that taking a simple breath became a monumental struggle. Drowning, but no one to rescue me. Feeling like I'm not good enough to be a wife, or a mother, or a friend, or a sister, or a daughter, or even an employee. All relationships in different forms. Feeling like I want to be the best friend you ever had, but I'm not good enough to actually be your friend. Getting bombarded so heavily that I feel an inch high and maybe if I'm lucky, I can disappear and no one will notice. Wanting to be a part of a real church family, but too afraid I'm going to get stomped on again by some well-meaning Christian. (Yes, people in churches do hurt, and they do unfortunately hurt others.) I know they're all lies, and I'm slowly but surely renewing my mind in the Word as my Abba shows me what I need to combat the enemy's lies, and what the truth is.
So my prayer for today is such a simply profound one: Bombard me with your love, Abba. I need to know it fully, even as I am fully known. I need that love to cast out every hidden fear, buried fear. Love me so well, that I can so easily trust in You as I never have before.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Way bigger plans
One thing God showed me when I was in my season of being single is that he had big plans for me, plans bigger than I've ever dreamed He would use me for. He used our pastor at the time to confirm what He said.
My husband and I have also had a connection with Isaiah 54 from different perspectives. My husband even preached a "bigger and better" sermon on this passage:
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. (Isaiah 54:2-3)
We were sharing with a woman at church yesterday about our vision that God would bring in so many children into our house that need healing, especially kids that have no families, much like he and I felt like growing up, that we didn't have a family, even though we did.
She said, "You do know that your house isn't big enough, right?" She also told us to write down what we left when we came from Oklahoma City to Houston, some of which were heirlooms, because he would restore that to us and then some.
On my husband's heart: his library of books.
On my heart? My sons. I left part of my heart there with them, and my heart was so broken and still is that I don't see them so much. How I miss my loves. I left my rocking chair there that my dad gave me when I was pregnant with Hunter that I cherish greatly, especially since it came from my dad, who is now with the Lord. I miss my vinyl verses on my walls and the crosses. I miss having comfy couches and places to hide while I spend time with Him.
So I'm soaking with my kids this morning, and I'm experiencing the love of God. And that's when he let the secret out. We knew he had just shown us our house close to our church. I was wondering how we could make our house bigger to accommodate more children. That's when he showed me we would own every house on the block except for the one right across from us. Those people are called to be grandparents to the kids. He will bring us people who are like-minded in their heart for kids who had a rough start in life and don't have families. Each house will have families and stability, and then the kids could go to their grandparent's house to do grandparent-y kind of stuff.
He even said our daughter, Sienna, would be healed the day of her 18th birthday, and she will join with us in this ministry to love children much like herself. Sienna is going to be an amazing wife and mother to many children. All of our children will have the option to join us if they choose, but it's okay if God has other plans for them.
I know it's Him because I can't for the life of me figure out how that could possibly happen. It's him because of the joy and praise that is welling over in my heart.
So when I try to worry about how just our day-to-day expenses will come, he is more than enough. He is our source of all things. He knows we need medicine, we need food, we need gas, we need money for our insurance and electric bill, as well as debts paid off. If I don't keep myself lost in Him, I start to worry. Abba, let me become so lost in you that I know you're there to provide for us.
My husband and I have also had a connection with Isaiah 54 from different perspectives. My husband even preached a "bigger and better" sermon on this passage:
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. (Isaiah 54:2-3)
We were sharing with a woman at church yesterday about our vision that God would bring in so many children into our house that need healing, especially kids that have no families, much like he and I felt like growing up, that we didn't have a family, even though we did.
She said, "You do know that your house isn't big enough, right?" She also told us to write down what we left when we came from Oklahoma City to Houston, some of which were heirlooms, because he would restore that to us and then some.
On my husband's heart: his library of books.
On my heart? My sons. I left part of my heart there with them, and my heart was so broken and still is that I don't see them so much. How I miss my loves. I left my rocking chair there that my dad gave me when I was pregnant with Hunter that I cherish greatly, especially since it came from my dad, who is now with the Lord. I miss my vinyl verses on my walls and the crosses. I miss having comfy couches and places to hide while I spend time with Him.
So I'm soaking with my kids this morning, and I'm experiencing the love of God. And that's when he let the secret out. We knew he had just shown us our house close to our church. I was wondering how we could make our house bigger to accommodate more children. That's when he showed me we would own every house on the block except for the one right across from us. Those people are called to be grandparents to the kids. He will bring us people who are like-minded in their heart for kids who had a rough start in life and don't have families. Each house will have families and stability, and then the kids could go to their grandparent's house to do grandparent-y kind of stuff.
He even said our daughter, Sienna, would be healed the day of her 18th birthday, and she will join with us in this ministry to love children much like herself. Sienna is going to be an amazing wife and mother to many children. All of our children will have the option to join us if they choose, but it's okay if God has other plans for them.
I know it's Him because I can't for the life of me figure out how that could possibly happen. It's him because of the joy and praise that is welling over in my heart.
So when I try to worry about how just our day-to-day expenses will come, he is more than enough. He is our source of all things. He knows we need medicine, we need food, we need gas, we need money for our insurance and electric bill, as well as debts paid off. If I don't keep myself lost in Him, I start to worry. Abba, let me become so lost in you that I know you're there to provide for us.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
You were never alone, Rach. Never.
I don't like it when the past comes up, especially when I don't really want to deal with it.
But there's more that needs to come up.
Alone. Ouch. Pain. Burn.
You were broken, and so was I.
Nothing can separate you from my love.
I never left you alone.
No more fear.
But there's more that needs to come up.
Alone. Ouch. Pain. Burn.
You were broken, and so was I.
Nothing can separate you from my love.
I never left you alone.
No more fear.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Faith, it ain't determination.
I guess this pretty much all started last year. Life has taught me to be a worrier and a planner, especially when it comes to finances.
I prayed this small (big) prayer that I didn't realize would still affect me today.
God, please help me learn to trust you.
Trust number one: get off of SNAP benefits and WIC.
We did. And God has always provided more than enough food for our household. That seemed like a big order to fill for a family of ten.
Trust number two: give an offering over and above your tithe.
We did. It seemed like all was crazy when all of a sudden, my workload slowed down, my husband's job started bouncing his checks and paying him late (and God told me to tell him to quit his job), and we lost my daughter's disability.
And then my husband got a new job with a huge pay raise and benefits, I saw a massive business income increase, and our daughter's disability returned.
Trust number three: Buy your family good things.
Oh, how I don't like to spend. But God told me to start buying my family things they want and good things for them, and stop worrying about the money end. I did. We've built a lot of memories over the last year, and we've always had more than enough.
Trust number four: Quit your job.
This year, we've seen more debts pile on than we can imagine, not from intentionally accumulating debt, just crazy circumstances (a car accident, a heart attack, etc.).
We keep trying to save money, and the money has to keep going out the window for necessary things.
And now, God showed us our house. It's big enough for our family of ten, and it's within our budget. It's right smack dab near our church. That was no small thing for my big God. It's five bedrooms and two bathrooms, in a nice neighborhood. We're moving in T minus two months. We had a plan in place about how we would save the necessary money to be able to move.
But God just has to go and interrupt that and throw a wrench in those plans.
God's been speaking to me, and it's about resting in Him.
I guess it started about a month ago, about the time we entered into Victory Christian Center's School of Supernatural Ministry. They've been speaking over us that we're risk takers. We were asked what we were willing to give up over the next nine months as we pursue Him. "Not my job, God," I thought. "I need to keep working for my family."
Gently at first, like a heartbeat, I've heard God beating out, "Rest. Rest. Rest." And then, a reminder of a passage I read about entering God's rest from Joshua chapter one. This book has much meaning in our lives, as God has spoken to us much about our land of promise, our inheritance being the city of Houston through the entire book of Joshua. It began with a prophetic word soon after my father-in-law passed away from Bishop Tony Miller in Oklahoma City that caused God to ask us to give away everything we had, pack up our family and what we could in our van, and get to Houston. No place to live, and no church family, but we came. And God provided abundantly. He gave us nice things, nicer than I would have certainly bought, and we paid not a penny. He even paid us to move to where we live now.
A few class periods ago, we were challenged to listen to God and hear what lie we've been believing and what the truth is. My lie? That I could not trust him in ALL areas of my life. God's truth? Let go of your business, because I want to provide. I've seen you working hard, supporting your family, through all of your husband's job losses, through him feeling like I was telling him to not work. But I want you enter into My rest, because I love you, Rachael, and I care about the depths of your inmost being.
*Screeching Record*
Wait. What, God? We're supposed to move in two months. We have bills to pay. How will we ever afford that?
A chuckle. Rach, I want to provide for you. It's why you guys can't seem to save money, even though I am abundantly blessing you. I want to give you guys your house. I want you to rest.
Okay, God. I'm going to need some confirmation. Did I really hear that from You?
I'm reading our book for the month for VSSM by Bill Johnson, When Heaven Invades Earth. And I read that "Rest is the climate that faith grows in. It comes out of the peace of God. What is restful for us is violent to the powers of hell. That is the violent nature of faith."
And then, I start talking to my husband about this. As I'm talking to him, he tells me I cannot quit my job because he hasn't heard this from God himself, and red warning flags are going off everywhere. Except that something tells me it's his fear talking. Okay, God. I'm going to need Your help here. So I tell my husband out of respect for him, I'm going to keep working until he hears from God.
And then the worst imaginable thing happens. I start crying. In front of my husband. I really don't like to do that. I was trying so hard not to cry, but my husband, he encourages me to tell him what was on my mind. The next words out of my mouth, well, they were nothing but God.
I'm so tired, my heart cries out. I need to enter into God's rest. I need to minister to our children. I need to get our house in order. God has seen my faithfulness in working, and I need to rest. I need to rest in His presence. I know this doesn't make sense. Nothing God tells me makes sense at first. And that's how I know it's Him. But He wants to provide for our house. All the while, the tears are flowing, and nothing I can do will stop them.
And my husband says, "Okay. I heard your heart. I agree. You need to stop working."
It's later on that he tells me he's just afraid. He had a plan, and God just derailed it. He's relied on me to help make the ends meet. It's scary.
But by our quick obedience, we just gave God an opportunity to bring heaven to earth. In heaven, there is no lack, so we're going to laugh in joy as we see God's hand provide for us until He tells me to work again. In the meantime, I am going to spend time soaking in His presence. I am going to sleep a lot more. I just cannot wait to see what God will do, all because this time, my faith can't be determination that will make things happen. This one is all God.
Am I a bit shaken and scared at the thought of having to trust God this much? Yes, my flesh hates this. But my spirit knows it's necessary to grow my faith. I want to be an all-out risk taker, where determination no longer drives my life, but faith does. Faith just moved my Abba's heart. I can't make this move happen. I can't make our bills get paid. But God will. And that's enough for me.
I prayed this small (big) prayer that I didn't realize would still affect me today.
God, please help me learn to trust you.
Trust number one: get off of SNAP benefits and WIC.
We did. And God has always provided more than enough food for our household. That seemed like a big order to fill for a family of ten.
Trust number two: give an offering over and above your tithe.
We did. It seemed like all was crazy when all of a sudden, my workload slowed down, my husband's job started bouncing his checks and paying him late (and God told me to tell him to quit his job), and we lost my daughter's disability.
And then my husband got a new job with a huge pay raise and benefits, I saw a massive business income increase, and our daughter's disability returned.
Trust number three: Buy your family good things.
Oh, how I don't like to spend. But God told me to start buying my family things they want and good things for them, and stop worrying about the money end. I did. We've built a lot of memories over the last year, and we've always had more than enough.
Trust number four: Quit your job.
This year, we've seen more debts pile on than we can imagine, not from intentionally accumulating debt, just crazy circumstances (a car accident, a heart attack, etc.).
We keep trying to save money, and the money has to keep going out the window for necessary things.
And now, God showed us our house. It's big enough for our family of ten, and it's within our budget. It's right smack dab near our church. That was no small thing for my big God. It's five bedrooms and two bathrooms, in a nice neighborhood. We're moving in T minus two months. We had a plan in place about how we would save the necessary money to be able to move.
But God just has to go and interrupt that and throw a wrench in those plans.
God's been speaking to me, and it's about resting in Him.
I guess it started about a month ago, about the time we entered into Victory Christian Center's School of Supernatural Ministry. They've been speaking over us that we're risk takers. We were asked what we were willing to give up over the next nine months as we pursue Him. "Not my job, God," I thought. "I need to keep working for my family."
Gently at first, like a heartbeat, I've heard God beating out, "Rest. Rest. Rest." And then, a reminder of a passage I read about entering God's rest from Joshua chapter one. This book has much meaning in our lives, as God has spoken to us much about our land of promise, our inheritance being the city of Houston through the entire book of Joshua. It began with a prophetic word soon after my father-in-law passed away from Bishop Tony Miller in Oklahoma City that caused God to ask us to give away everything we had, pack up our family and what we could in our van, and get to Houston. No place to live, and no church family, but we came. And God provided abundantly. He gave us nice things, nicer than I would have certainly bought, and we paid not a penny. He even paid us to move to where we live now.
A few class periods ago, we were challenged to listen to God and hear what lie we've been believing and what the truth is. My lie? That I could not trust him in ALL areas of my life. God's truth? Let go of your business, because I want to provide. I've seen you working hard, supporting your family, through all of your husband's job losses, through him feeling like I was telling him to not work. But I want you enter into My rest, because I love you, Rachael, and I care about the depths of your inmost being.
*Screeching Record*
Wait. What, God? We're supposed to move in two months. We have bills to pay. How will we ever afford that?
A chuckle. Rach, I want to provide for you. It's why you guys can't seem to save money, even though I am abundantly blessing you. I want to give you guys your house. I want you to rest.
Okay, God. I'm going to need some confirmation. Did I really hear that from You?
I'm reading our book for the month for VSSM by Bill Johnson, When Heaven Invades Earth. And I read that "Rest is the climate that faith grows in. It comes out of the peace of God. What is restful for us is violent to the powers of hell. That is the violent nature of faith."
And then, I start talking to my husband about this. As I'm talking to him, he tells me I cannot quit my job because he hasn't heard this from God himself, and red warning flags are going off everywhere. Except that something tells me it's his fear talking. Okay, God. I'm going to need Your help here. So I tell my husband out of respect for him, I'm going to keep working until he hears from God.
And then the worst imaginable thing happens. I start crying. In front of my husband. I really don't like to do that. I was trying so hard not to cry, but my husband, he encourages me to tell him what was on my mind. The next words out of my mouth, well, they were nothing but God.
I'm so tired, my heart cries out. I need to enter into God's rest. I need to minister to our children. I need to get our house in order. God has seen my faithfulness in working, and I need to rest. I need to rest in His presence. I know this doesn't make sense. Nothing God tells me makes sense at first. And that's how I know it's Him. But He wants to provide for our house. All the while, the tears are flowing, and nothing I can do will stop them.
And my husband says, "Okay. I heard your heart. I agree. You need to stop working."
It's later on that he tells me he's just afraid. He had a plan, and God just derailed it. He's relied on me to help make the ends meet. It's scary.
But by our quick obedience, we just gave God an opportunity to bring heaven to earth. In heaven, there is no lack, so we're going to laugh in joy as we see God's hand provide for us until He tells me to work again. In the meantime, I am going to spend time soaking in His presence. I am going to sleep a lot more. I just cannot wait to see what God will do, all because this time, my faith can't be determination that will make things happen. This one is all God.
Am I a bit shaken and scared at the thought of having to trust God this much? Yes, my flesh hates this. But my spirit knows it's necessary to grow my faith. I want to be an all-out risk taker, where determination no longer drives my life, but faith does. Faith just moved my Abba's heart. I can't make this move happen. I can't make our bills get paid. But God will. And that's enough for me.
Monday, May 25, 2015
He wrote me this letter...
Okay, so it was a Facebook post for the entire world to see. But it's made every tear, every heartache, every moment of brokenness, every prayer so very worth it. I wouldn't have seen these words even a year ago. Yeah, this is big, guys. Never in my entire life has my Superman made me feel so loved and honored.
Dear Rachael,
You have given me a lot to smile about over the last seven years. I know I have been a challenge, but I am grateful for the challenges that you have given me. I am so thankful that you never gave up and you kept on persevering. Where others walked away and gave up you stood there toe to toe with me against all kinds of adversaries. You have brought lots of smiles and laughter to my heart. I cannot ever thank you enough for the encouragement that you poured into me. I am so grateful for your love and strong willed determination to see me grow in the things of God in spite of the trials and the hardships that I dealt with. I have watched you grow in the things of God. I am glad that I played an integral role in that. Seven years ago, God used me to introduce you to things about the Kingdom of God and then like an untamed thoroughbred take off in all the things that God has for you. One of things that makes me love you more and more each day is how you get ahold of things and then I watch you just take off. I love that you throw caution to the wind and jump in head first. Even when you are afraid, you don’t let it show. To me you are the standard of a Proverbs 31 woman. My heart trusts in you because of the God in you. Looking back seven years ago and looking ahead to the next seven years and beyond my life would be an empty and void if I did not get to live it with you.
You are my Wonder Woman; I love you with all my heart,
Happy 7th Anniversary
Your Superman
Dear Rachael,
You have given me a lot to smile about over the last seven years. I know I have been a challenge, but I am grateful for the challenges that you have given me. I am so thankful that you never gave up and you kept on persevering. Where others walked away and gave up you stood there toe to toe with me against all kinds of adversaries. You have brought lots of smiles and laughter to my heart. I cannot ever thank you enough for the encouragement that you poured into me. I am so grateful for your love and strong willed determination to see me grow in the things of God in spite of the trials and the hardships that I dealt with. I have watched you grow in the things of God. I am glad that I played an integral role in that. Seven years ago, God used me to introduce you to things about the Kingdom of God and then like an untamed thoroughbred take off in all the things that God has for you. One of things that makes me love you more and more each day is how you get ahold of things and then I watch you just take off. I love that you throw caution to the wind and jump in head first. Even when you are afraid, you don’t let it show. To me you are the standard of a Proverbs 31 woman. My heart trusts in you because of the God in you. Looking back seven years ago and looking ahead to the next seven years and beyond my life would be an empty and void if I did not get to live it with you.
You are my Wonder Woman; I love you with all my heart,
Happy 7th Anniversary
Your Superman
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
The Untitled Project
I've probably start, stopped, and rewritten this post several times as I've processed what happened with my husband's second heart attack. And I'm still processing. I'm just going to be real here.
I have a new found admiration for every family member that has to sit with anyone they love in the hospital. They are the ones that have to fight for that one they love in that hospital bed. In my case, it was fun because my husband was totally drugged and was saying things like, "Awww, you're so sweet to me."
Did I have my Daddy God to lean on? Absolutely. What I found out is that people I thought were friends really weren't when it got down to walking the talk. One person out of hundreds actually showed up in person. One. Know what I needed that week? Real, actual people. Those who will come sit with me through hours of waiting while my husband was in surgery. Someone who would have offered to check in our kids while I was at the hospital, maybe taken them some meals. Someone who would have reached out with a hug to me and said everything was going to be all right. It would all be okay.
I just learned those willing to go that distance don't often exist. And I'll admit, I'm pretty disappointed in my circle of so-called friends. Everyone worries about that person in the hospital bed, forgetting on the opposite side is someone they love having to drop everything and care for that someone they love dearly.
Let's not forget the hospital staff themselves. If there's one thing I can say to the hospital my husband was in is that they really, REALLY, need to get on the same page with hospital policies. Being told one day, yes, I absolutely need to stay with my husband from a hospital administrator after being told by a nurse that I couldn't stay the night, and then the next, being told by yet another nurse I couldn't stay at the hospital overnight and sleeping on a waiting room floor, knowing my husband was going to have a second surgery the next day... that was more upsetting to me than anything else. The nurses don't even realize how much work I saved them staying in the hospital with my husband.
And now, my husband is back at work after being fully released by his cardiologist, and now, because someone up high seems to think my husband had open-heart surgery (he had a cath procedure to place stints), they're not letting him work OT, which puts even more stress on me to work to make up for the difference.
Am I angry right now? You bet. I am angry that my husband hasn't taken care of his health all these years, though I am proud of him for changing his eating habits and adding exercise. I am angry at the hospital staff. I am angry because I just can't seem to get a break from working, when I need for things to get paid off so we can get out of debt. I am angry at God because I feel like He's letting me down right now. I am angry for all those people who say, "Yeah, I"m your friend," but don't show up when it's really needed. I'm angry.
So there, God. I've laid it down on the table. I know you know how I feel, but I have to ask you what you're going to do to show up and keep your covenant of faithfulness to our lives. I have to know. I have to see your hand working here.
I have a new found admiration for every family member that has to sit with anyone they love in the hospital. They are the ones that have to fight for that one they love in that hospital bed. In my case, it was fun because my husband was totally drugged and was saying things like, "Awww, you're so sweet to me."
Did I have my Daddy God to lean on? Absolutely. What I found out is that people I thought were friends really weren't when it got down to walking the talk. One person out of hundreds actually showed up in person. One. Know what I needed that week? Real, actual people. Those who will come sit with me through hours of waiting while my husband was in surgery. Someone who would have offered to check in our kids while I was at the hospital, maybe taken them some meals. Someone who would have reached out with a hug to me and said everything was going to be all right. It would all be okay.
I just learned those willing to go that distance don't often exist. And I'll admit, I'm pretty disappointed in my circle of so-called friends. Everyone worries about that person in the hospital bed, forgetting on the opposite side is someone they love having to drop everything and care for that someone they love dearly.
Let's not forget the hospital staff themselves. If there's one thing I can say to the hospital my husband was in is that they really, REALLY, need to get on the same page with hospital policies. Being told one day, yes, I absolutely need to stay with my husband from a hospital administrator after being told by a nurse that I couldn't stay the night, and then the next, being told by yet another nurse I couldn't stay at the hospital overnight and sleeping on a waiting room floor, knowing my husband was going to have a second surgery the next day... that was more upsetting to me than anything else. The nurses don't even realize how much work I saved them staying in the hospital with my husband.
And now, my husband is back at work after being fully released by his cardiologist, and now, because someone up high seems to think my husband had open-heart surgery (he had a cath procedure to place stints), they're not letting him work OT, which puts even more stress on me to work to make up for the difference.
Am I angry right now? You bet. I am angry that my husband hasn't taken care of his health all these years, though I am proud of him for changing his eating habits and adding exercise. I am angry at the hospital staff. I am angry because I just can't seem to get a break from working, when I need for things to get paid off so we can get out of debt. I am angry at God because I feel like He's letting me down right now. I am angry for all those people who say, "Yeah, I"m your friend," but don't show up when it's really needed. I'm angry.
So there, God. I've laid it down on the table. I know you know how I feel, but I have to ask you what you're going to do to show up and keep your covenant of faithfulness to our lives. I have to know. I have to see your hand working here.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Dear Pam
My dearest Pammy,
You died today. Those are three of the most difficult words for me to type, because with it, it brings finality to that dash that lives between the moment you were born and the moment you died.
Your husband said you died peacefully, as well you should have, because in our many talks, I wanted to make absolutely certain you knew Jesus as your savior. So I know that all of heaven rejoiced the moment you arrived, fully healed, fully whole, and I'm sure you were overwhelmed as Jesus enveloped you with a bear hug like only He can give, and you felt His love and joy permeate your spirit. In that vivid picture in my mind, I can totally rejoice and feel great excitement for you because I know you're healed. I wouldn't be surprised if you told me He had chocolate ice cream ready and waiting for you.
But back to that dash called your life. What you did with it, as I reflect on it, I am grateful to be a small part of it. I say small because you were a lot larger than life. I don't think you even realized the countless lives you've touched. But I quickly saw it, as I watched the messages pour into your Facebook page. I saw it when I walked into your hospice room, your mom snuggled up with you in bed, fiercely loving and protecting her daughter, tenderly stroking your face. I saw it as I watched your husband wrap his arms around you as you talked about needing to go to bed. I saw it as you wrapped your arms around his neck and peace poured over you. I saw it in every moment we were able to hang out. In those moments that I wanted to bless you, and you instead blessed me. I saw it in your Facebook posts, encouraging others that sat in the chemo room at the hospital. Even your team of doctors knew it.
You carried a light inside you that was God's gift for the world. There was always just that something about you that a stranger on the street could spend five minutes with you and that person would walk away feeling like they were loved and that they mattered. Words of affirmation, totally your love language. Quality time, totally your love language. Still to this day, my daughters love your nail salon. If mom was going to Miss Pam's, everyone wanted to come.
You touched my life in such a way that your death is hitting me hard. Nothing more so than just because I'm going to miss your very presence. No more talking at 2:00 a.m. because neither one of us could sleep. No more time spent on HAR.com. We really did spend a crazy amount of time on there, trying to find us a house. No more talking about matters of the heart. No more talking about your chicken pot pie recipe or any other recipes. No more sitting there chatting, drinking our HEB Texas Pecan coffee from your Keurig, watching our kids run around together, playing or napping on the floor. No more trips to the NASA Space Center together, and no more Mexican food green sauce at Moreno's. It's the littlest things I will miss that were really big things.
Neither of us wanted your life to end because of cancer, especially not you. Yes, it's a reminder as women that we need to make sure we get yearly mammograms. But even more so, it's a reminder to make sure we all know who Jesus Christ is, and that we've accepted His free gift called salvation. You were young. Perhaps it's easier to deal with death when you know the person is old, and they've lived a full life. But then again, you lived a full life in all of your 29 years. I know I don't need to worry about Tanner, Jacob, and Aubree. I know God's got them, and they're going to be okay. I know you're a part of their great cloud of witnesses, cheering them on as they run their races.
And now, you're a part of mine. Thinking about that makes me smile. And I hope you've met my dad by now, because he's quite ornery and fun to be around. As I wonder what you thought about your mansion in heaven, I can't help but smile at what your reaction must have been. I smile at the thought of you being introduced to colors you've never imagined here on this earth, wondering how you can get a nail polish in that color.
We're going to celebrate that dash soon as we lay your earthly body to rest. I'm going to smile, and I'm going to probably cry. I'm going to listen as others share stories about how you've so profoundly impacted their lives. You are so worth celebrating.
I love you, girl. And I just miss you.
See you again soon :)
Rach
You died today. Those are three of the most difficult words for me to type, because with it, it brings finality to that dash that lives between the moment you were born and the moment you died.
Your husband said you died peacefully, as well you should have, because in our many talks, I wanted to make absolutely certain you knew Jesus as your savior. So I know that all of heaven rejoiced the moment you arrived, fully healed, fully whole, and I'm sure you were overwhelmed as Jesus enveloped you with a bear hug like only He can give, and you felt His love and joy permeate your spirit. In that vivid picture in my mind, I can totally rejoice and feel great excitement for you because I know you're healed. I wouldn't be surprised if you told me He had chocolate ice cream ready and waiting for you.
But back to that dash called your life. What you did with it, as I reflect on it, I am grateful to be a small part of it. I say small because you were a lot larger than life. I don't think you even realized the countless lives you've touched. But I quickly saw it, as I watched the messages pour into your Facebook page. I saw it when I walked into your hospice room, your mom snuggled up with you in bed, fiercely loving and protecting her daughter, tenderly stroking your face. I saw it as I watched your husband wrap his arms around you as you talked about needing to go to bed. I saw it as you wrapped your arms around his neck and peace poured over you. I saw it in every moment we were able to hang out. In those moments that I wanted to bless you, and you instead blessed me. I saw it in your Facebook posts, encouraging others that sat in the chemo room at the hospital. Even your team of doctors knew it.
You carried a light inside you that was God's gift for the world. There was always just that something about you that a stranger on the street could spend five minutes with you and that person would walk away feeling like they were loved and that they mattered. Words of affirmation, totally your love language. Quality time, totally your love language. Still to this day, my daughters love your nail salon. If mom was going to Miss Pam's, everyone wanted to come.
You touched my life in such a way that your death is hitting me hard. Nothing more so than just because I'm going to miss your very presence. No more talking at 2:00 a.m. because neither one of us could sleep. No more time spent on HAR.com. We really did spend a crazy amount of time on there, trying to find us a house. No more talking about matters of the heart. No more talking about your chicken pot pie recipe or any other recipes. No more sitting there chatting, drinking our HEB Texas Pecan coffee from your Keurig, watching our kids run around together, playing or napping on the floor. No more trips to the NASA Space Center together, and no more Mexican food green sauce at Moreno's. It's the littlest things I will miss that were really big things.
Neither of us wanted your life to end because of cancer, especially not you. Yes, it's a reminder as women that we need to make sure we get yearly mammograms. But even more so, it's a reminder to make sure we all know who Jesus Christ is, and that we've accepted His free gift called salvation. You were young. Perhaps it's easier to deal with death when you know the person is old, and they've lived a full life. But then again, you lived a full life in all of your 29 years. I know I don't need to worry about Tanner, Jacob, and Aubree. I know God's got them, and they're going to be okay. I know you're a part of their great cloud of witnesses, cheering them on as they run their races.
And now, you're a part of mine. Thinking about that makes me smile. And I hope you've met my dad by now, because he's quite ornery and fun to be around. As I wonder what you thought about your mansion in heaven, I can't help but smile at what your reaction must have been. I smile at the thought of you being introduced to colors you've never imagined here on this earth, wondering how you can get a nail polish in that color.
We're going to celebrate that dash soon as we lay your earthly body to rest. I'm going to smile, and I'm going to probably cry. I'm going to listen as others share stories about how you've so profoundly impacted their lives. You are so worth celebrating.
I love you, girl. And I just miss you.
See you again soon :)
Rach
Monday, November 17, 2014
It's being made new...
Over the past week, I've felt this void in my heart that some wives have felt before. You know the one.
Does my husband love me?
So I've turned to my Daddy God to fill this need. He awoke me with songs in my head like, "Arise, my Love" and "You're Beautiful." I know how much He loves me all the way to my inner being.
This void, though, this ache, this longing still filled my heart.
Does my husband love me?
"Yes," he says. "With every bone in my body and ounce of my blood."
Good answer, Superman. :)
Still heart aching.
And then, my husband stopped to pray over me yesterday, which is one of the ways he makes me feel loved and cherished.
All the people in the world can love me, but there is nothing like my husband's love being shown to me. There's nothing like God loving me through my husband.
And today, I know my husband loves me.
Does my husband love me?
So I've turned to my Daddy God to fill this need. He awoke me with songs in my head like, "Arise, my Love" and "You're Beautiful." I know how much He loves me all the way to my inner being.
This void, though, this ache, this longing still filled my heart.
Does my husband love me?
"Yes," he says. "With every bone in my body and ounce of my blood."
Good answer, Superman. :)
Still heart aching.
And then, my husband stopped to pray over me yesterday, which is one of the ways he makes me feel loved and cherished.
All the people in the world can love me, but there is nothing like my husband's love being shown to me. There's nothing like God loving me through my husband.
And today, I know my husband loves me.
The Promise Keeper
Good night KISS from Heaven:
I hear His whisper...
"I long to be more real to you than life itself. My promises are more faithful and true than you have ever imagined. The power of My Word has sustained you through your life and holds you near My heart. Even now your heart beats because of My promise to you when you were conceived -- 'You will LIVE.'
"I call you to walk upon the water of My Word, to trust in My promises more than sight or human skill. My Word is your strength and I have never failed to keep every promise I have made to you. My Word is more tangible and real than anything you see, for all that you see has been made by My Word. All things are held together in space, on earth, and in you, because of My Word of power. I call you step into living by faith in My Word and let all that distracts you fade away.
"Believe all that I have spoken to you about your family. I will complete the beautiful work I have begun, trust in Me and rest in My promises over you and those you love. Believe all that I have promised you concerning your finances. Am I the God of Abundant Supply? Do I not provide for the birds, for the animals of the field, and for everyone of My sons and daughters? For you are the most valuable and costly part of all My creation. Sacred blood dripped from the Tree to show you My love for you. If I have given the blood of My Son to redeem you, will I not also give you everything you need as you walk with Me?
"Speak My promises over your life. Read the Words I have promised you in My Holy Book and make them real by faith. Place your hands upon My Word, for they are tangible, and trust in Me-- I will not fail you, for I am your Father and Great Shepherd. Speak My promises over your family and over every need you have this day and you will see the deliverance of your God! Believe when all around you is contrary, for then you will demonstrate the power of faith. I have rewarded everyone who comes to Me in faith. My reward is My promise completed and My presence sealed upon your life. Rise up in a new wind of faith this day and you will not be disappointed. Take the steps that I call you to take, believe as you hold My promises, and the miracles will flow into you. Faith is the victory that you need, My promises are the seeds of that victory. Overcome in faith and you will see with your eyes the Kingdom of Heaven before you."
Hebrews 3:12-14 The Passion Translation"So search your hearts every day, my brothers and sisters, and make sure that none of you has evil or unbelief hiding within you. For it will lead you astray, and make you unresponsive to the Living God! 13This is the time to encourage each other to never be stubborn or hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14For we are mingled with the Messiah, if we will continue unshaken in this confident assurance from the beginning until the end."
I hear His whisper...
"I long to be more real to you than life itself. My promises are more faithful and true than you have ever imagined. The power of My Word has sustained you through your life and holds you near My heart. Even now your heart beats because of My promise to you when you were conceived -- 'You will LIVE.'
"I call you to walk upon the water of My Word, to trust in My promises more than sight or human skill. My Word is your strength and I have never failed to keep every promise I have made to you. My Word is more tangible and real than anything you see, for all that you see has been made by My Word. All things are held together in space, on earth, and in you, because of My Word of power. I call you step into living by faith in My Word and let all that distracts you fade away.
"Believe all that I have spoken to you about your family. I will complete the beautiful work I have begun, trust in Me and rest in My promises over you and those you love. Believe all that I have promised you concerning your finances. Am I the God of Abundant Supply? Do I not provide for the birds, for the animals of the field, and for everyone of My sons and daughters? For you are the most valuable and costly part of all My creation. Sacred blood dripped from the Tree to show you My love for you. If I have given the blood of My Son to redeem you, will I not also give you everything you need as you walk with Me?
"Speak My promises over your life. Read the Words I have promised you in My Holy Book and make them real by faith. Place your hands upon My Word, for they are tangible, and trust in Me-- I will not fail you, for I am your Father and Great Shepherd. Speak My promises over your family and over every need you have this day and you will see the deliverance of your God! Believe when all around you is contrary, for then you will demonstrate the power of faith. I have rewarded everyone who comes to Me in faith. My reward is My promise completed and My presence sealed upon your life. Rise up in a new wind of faith this day and you will not be disappointed. Take the steps that I call you to take, believe as you hold My promises, and the miracles will flow into you. Faith is the victory that you need, My promises are the seeds of that victory. Overcome in faith and you will see with your eyes the Kingdom of Heaven before you."
Hebrews 3:12-14 The Passion Translation"So search your hearts every day, my brothers and sisters, and make sure that none of you has evil or unbelief hiding within you. For it will lead you astray, and make you unresponsive to the Living God! 13This is the time to encourage each other to never be stubborn or hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14For we are mingled with the Messiah, if we will continue unshaken in this confident assurance from the beginning until the end."
Friday, November 14, 2014
Knowing the Power of Sonship
This is straight from The Passion Translation's page on Facebook last night. In the midst of where I am, I am posting this right here on my blog, because it's for me. Just so I don't forget about it and can come back and read it.
Good night KISS from Heaven:
I hear His whisper...
"I will give to you a new heaven and a new earth. I am the God who makes all things new. I will renew your heart and spirit this day to know Me as the God of Heaven. My presence, My Immanuel, lives in you. Where My presence abides it is heaven. What makes the heavens full of glory is My presence, for where I am, glory is found. Living within you this moment is the heavenly glory that I given to My sons and daughters. Many look away to heaven and fail to embrace eternal life within. For everything that makes heaven real, lives in you, My child.
Good night KISS from Heaven:
I hear His whisper...
"I will give to you a new heaven and a new earth. I am the God who makes all things new. I will renew your heart and spirit this day to know Me as the God of Heaven. My presence, My Immanuel, lives in you. Where My presence abides it is heaven. What makes the heavens full of glory is My presence, for where I am, glory is found. Living within you this moment is the heavenly glory that I given to My sons and daughters. Many look away to heaven and fail to embrace eternal life within. For everything that makes heaven real, lives in you, My child.
"The
heavenly reality will be made clear to you. Soon, all that is around you
will become nothing more than trinkets compared to the glory that is
within you. My endless grace has opened a fountain within you, pouring
satisfying streams into your thoughts, your emotions, your very soul.
This grace-fountain will be the source of life, heavenly life, within
you. Love, joy, peace-- is My presence in your soul. Fill your heart
with My words and more of heaven will flow into you. Never say, 'I am
rich and in need of nothing,' for that is the boast of the Laodecians
who must come to Me and buy gold, so they can be truly rich.
"Heavenly life is My portion which I share with you today. Have I not seated you in heavenly places and enthroned you as My overcomer at My right hand? All that I am I give to you, My heaven-born child. Receive yet more and drink of the water of Life that flows from before My eternal throne. Drink deeply of the substance that pours from Me. Heaven's gift is yours this day.
"Let your mind be renewed and brought into a heavenly perspective. I have you taken your true life and it is now hidden in My realm of glory. Set your eyes and your affections on heavenly things and watch the healing of your heart be complete. I have a heavenly eye salve that will cause your eyes to open to the brightness of My glory within you. I have pure white robes to place upon your inadequacy and weakness. I bring My children into My courts as they see what I have provided for My household. As My children praise Me I open greater doors into glory. Come into My world, for I have come into yours. Seek My face, forsake your habits of passivity and stir your heart to come into the heavenly chamber. For I am the God who makes you new, strong, and courageous."
Psalm 26:6-8 The Passion Translation
When I come before You, I’ll come clean,
Approaching Your altar with songs of thanksgiving;
Singing the songs of Your mighty miracles.
Lord, I love Your Home, this place of dazzling glory,
Bathed in the splendor and light of Your presence!
"Heavenly life is My portion which I share with you today. Have I not seated you in heavenly places and enthroned you as My overcomer at My right hand? All that I am I give to you, My heaven-born child. Receive yet more and drink of the water of Life that flows from before My eternal throne. Drink deeply of the substance that pours from Me. Heaven's gift is yours this day.
"Let your mind be renewed and brought into a heavenly perspective. I have you taken your true life and it is now hidden in My realm of glory. Set your eyes and your affections on heavenly things and watch the healing of your heart be complete. I have a heavenly eye salve that will cause your eyes to open to the brightness of My glory within you. I have pure white robes to place upon your inadequacy and weakness. I bring My children into My courts as they see what I have provided for My household. As My children praise Me I open greater doors into glory. Come into My world, for I have come into yours. Seek My face, forsake your habits of passivity and stir your heart to come into the heavenly chamber. For I am the God who makes you new, strong, and courageous."
Psalm 26:6-8 The Passion Translation
When I come before You, I’ll come clean,
Approaching Your altar with songs of thanksgiving;
Singing the songs of Your mighty miracles.
Lord, I love Your Home, this place of dazzling glory,
Bathed in the splendor and light of Your presence!
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Three. Little. Words.
"Guard you heart," a wise woman recently said to me.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked in hopeful desperation.
As the conversation continued, God gave me so many answers to how I handle things His way when the enemy attacks. I know I forget so often that really, I don't fight against my husband. I fight against what the enemy is doing to attack me and the foundations of my faith in Jesus Christ. Three seemingly innocent words have given me the very key to what changed the very atmosphere of not only my home, but my marriage and my family as well.
Things like feeling myself gearing up and bracing for what was going to be a sure argument? Didn't happen. Instead, it turned into a very peaceful discussion over the next few hours. I found out so many things on my husband's heart and mind as we talked. In that moment, God even answered a prayer of my heart nearly seven years in the making in showing me what our life ministry is together, and why we're here in Houston to do it.
And setting out to honor and serve this man of mine, once my enemy in marriage and now my ally, that's opened up even more unexpected doors. I know so very soon, the freedom I've been waiting for him to experience in Jesus Christ will happen. It's not all about him. It's all about me, about the hope I have in Jesus Christ that is connecting me to God's heart and love for me. It's putting on the full armor of God and taking a stand with the shield of faith, the sword of the spirit, and that breastplate of righteousness. All three guard my heart.
But knowing that I can hand my heart to the Father and say, "Guard it!" that's where my hope is found. That's where my true rest is found. Keeping my eyes, ears, and heart open to what my Abba is saying, giving me promptings to how I can love my husband more, serve him more, and honor him more.
After all, my husband's name means kingly. Should I not honor the king of my home as we walk this life together? Superman, I love you even when you don't love yourself so much. I know that very soon, you will find true rest.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked in hopeful desperation.
As the conversation continued, God gave me so many answers to how I handle things His way when the enemy attacks. I know I forget so often that really, I don't fight against my husband. I fight against what the enemy is doing to attack me and the foundations of my faith in Jesus Christ. Three seemingly innocent words have given me the very key to what changed the very atmosphere of not only my home, but my marriage and my family as well.
Things like feeling myself gearing up and bracing for what was going to be a sure argument? Didn't happen. Instead, it turned into a very peaceful discussion over the next few hours. I found out so many things on my husband's heart and mind as we talked. In that moment, God even answered a prayer of my heart nearly seven years in the making in showing me what our life ministry is together, and why we're here in Houston to do it.
And setting out to honor and serve this man of mine, once my enemy in marriage and now my ally, that's opened up even more unexpected doors. I know so very soon, the freedom I've been waiting for him to experience in Jesus Christ will happen. It's not all about him. It's all about me, about the hope I have in Jesus Christ that is connecting me to God's heart and love for me. It's putting on the full armor of God and taking a stand with the shield of faith, the sword of the spirit, and that breastplate of righteousness. All three guard my heart.
But knowing that I can hand my heart to the Father and say, "Guard it!" that's where my hope is found. That's where my true rest is found. Keeping my eyes, ears, and heart open to what my Abba is saying, giving me promptings to how I can love my husband more, serve him more, and honor him more.
After all, my husband's name means kingly. Should I not honor the king of my home as we walk this life together? Superman, I love you even when you don't love yourself so much. I know that very soon, you will find true rest.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
A Hug Runs Through It... Part 2
God, you know me way too well.
I got that very much needed God hug today, and you didn't even give me a choice about it, either, because you know me so well that you knew if you asked me for it, I wouldn't have the courage to go get and take it. But I'm so glad you love me this much, that you would choose a mighty woman of God to both give me that hug today and release your word yet again over my life.
I shouldn't be surprised that you care so much about what I have carried as a burden so long, but yet, I still have that wonder of, "Why do you love me so and care so much about my seemingly insignificant life?" But I KNOW. I know that you've got those plans for me, plans way bigger than I ever dreamed you would use me for. And yet knowing, all along the way, even before I was born, that you have kept my life. I can see you woven throughout my life.
So keep leading us. I know you've called us here, but not quite sure of your plan for what we're doing here in Houston. Give me that vision so I can run with it!
I got that very much needed God hug today, and you didn't even give me a choice about it, either, because you know me so well that you knew if you asked me for it, I wouldn't have the courage to go get and take it. But I'm so glad you love me this much, that you would choose a mighty woman of God to both give me that hug today and release your word yet again over my life.
I shouldn't be surprised that you care so much about what I have carried as a burden so long, but yet, I still have that wonder of, "Why do you love me so and care so much about my seemingly insignificant life?" But I KNOW. I know that you've got those plans for me, plans way bigger than I ever dreamed you would use me for. And yet knowing, all along the way, even before I was born, that you have kept my life. I can see you woven throughout my life.
So keep leading us. I know you've called us here, but not quite sure of your plan for what we're doing here in Houston. Give me that vision so I can run with it!
Friday, August 1, 2014
A Hug Runs Through It
"You can go up there and get that hug. He's calling you, Rachael."
Those were the words my husband had just leaned over to whisper in my ear as he gave me a side hug. We were in a room full of people, and for the second time that week, we were being offered the chance to go up front and get a hug from God through one of the leaders.
I couldn't make myself step forward, though I felt God pulling me so strong to go get that hug. I'm certain I've never felt his pull on my heart as much as I did that day.
Even after that week that changed my life and my walk with God forever, finally having a heart knowledge of how much my Daddy God loves me, I've thought about that hug. I know I'm His princess, and that I'm his favorite, and that I am really loved by the One who created me and gave me the precious gift of life.
This year, my prayer has been for God to show me how to trust him. It took my dad going to meet Him a month ago that God revealed the very root of the trust that I can't seem to find.
I have raged at God; I have raged at my dad. His death revealed things I've suspected were going on my entire life but never knew for certain until the week after his death. Things that I thought I forgave years ago rose to the surface with a fiery fury that would now be brought to the light where my healing could begin. Buried hurt hurts even more when it gets pulled into the light like a thousand stabs in your heart from a jagged, rusty knife. But it's the root of my inability to trust.
So I'm sitting in church a few weeks ago, and the congregation is singing a song about freedom. And that's when I heard him as clear as if he were standing right next to me.
"I'm sorry, Rachael. I am so sorry I couldn't love you the way you needed me to, that I wasn't the father that you needed. I couldn't love you because I wasn't able to fathom God's love for me."
Yeah, I lost it. Me, who hates crying in front of anyone, especially in a crowd of people, lost it. And then God said to me, "And that's why you couldn't go get that hug from me, too. You saw me as you saw your earthly father, through that hurt you feel right now."
Slowly but surely, my heart is being repaired. Little by little, my Father is leading me. The best part is that now I have my earthly father in my great cloud of witnesses to cheer me on as I run my race. And if God decides to ever again offer me that chance to go get that hug from Him on this side of heaven, you can bet I'm running to him unashamed.
Those were the words my husband had just leaned over to whisper in my ear as he gave me a side hug. We were in a room full of people, and for the second time that week, we were being offered the chance to go up front and get a hug from God through one of the leaders.
I couldn't make myself step forward, though I felt God pulling me so strong to go get that hug. I'm certain I've never felt his pull on my heart as much as I did that day.
Even after that week that changed my life and my walk with God forever, finally having a heart knowledge of how much my Daddy God loves me, I've thought about that hug. I know I'm His princess, and that I'm his favorite, and that I am really loved by the One who created me and gave me the precious gift of life.
This year, my prayer has been for God to show me how to trust him. It took my dad going to meet Him a month ago that God revealed the very root of the trust that I can't seem to find.
I have raged at God; I have raged at my dad. His death revealed things I've suspected were going on my entire life but never knew for certain until the week after his death. Things that I thought I forgave years ago rose to the surface with a fiery fury that would now be brought to the light where my healing could begin. Buried hurt hurts even more when it gets pulled into the light like a thousand stabs in your heart from a jagged, rusty knife. But it's the root of my inability to trust.
So I'm sitting in church a few weeks ago, and the congregation is singing a song about freedom. And that's when I heard him as clear as if he were standing right next to me.
"I'm sorry, Rachael. I am so sorry I couldn't love you the way you needed me to, that I wasn't the father that you needed. I couldn't love you because I wasn't able to fathom God's love for me."
Yeah, I lost it. Me, who hates crying in front of anyone, especially in a crowd of people, lost it. And then God said to me, "And that's why you couldn't go get that hug from me, too. You saw me as you saw your earthly father, through that hurt you feel right now."
Slowly but surely, my heart is being repaired. Little by little, my Father is leading me. The best part is that now I have my earthly father in my great cloud of witnesses to cheer me on as I run my race. And if God decides to ever again offer me that chance to go get that hug from Him on this side of heaven, you can bet I'm running to him unashamed.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Where did YOU go?
Sigh. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
I feel deceived. When I met you, you were on fire for God. You used to dig into the Word. You used to pray with me and for me. And then, one day, I found out it was all a lie to impress me. That cut me deeper than anything else. Because my heart's desire from the time I was a little girl dreaming about my future, I knew I wanted to be a Pastor's Wife. Which is what I thought you aspired to be. I fell in love with you because of that fire.
Yet here we are now. I can't say anything to you, not even about the great I AM. I'm listening to you, yes. And inwardly, I'm crying from the heartbreak as I watch your hope die. As I watch you become angry at God for all the ways he's disappointed you. No church. No bible. No praying. Only Anger. Only Frustration. Only Nothingness. I am watching you speak such destruction over yourself, I worry. I wonder. And I wait on the very God you now want nothing to do with.
If I could make the choice for you to wholeheartedly follow Jesus Christ, I would. But I can't. And so I wait. I pray. I ask God to show me how to show you kairos love, love in action. God has shown me how the enemy's attacking you. So thankfully, a good friend pointed out that really, it's never you I'm fighting with. It's always the enemy.
I wish you could hear the words of Jesus Christ, what he's saying to you. That he hasn't abandoned you like you thought. How much he really loves you. I know you feel your life is so crazy, so upside down, that you're questioning your own decisions.
But on the flip side,you have a wife that is declaring and speaking the Word of God over you. I am praying God will do whatever it takes to reach you. The clock is ticking down, and the last thing I want to do is to spend eternity without you.
As much as that is my heart's desire, I know it's my Abba God's heart desire even more. And I pray through my example, you are won over to Him. I'm not leaving. I'm digging my heels in and standing my ground. I will fight for you and stand in the gap for you until the enemy loses his grip on your life. I'm not going to abandon you in this fight.
So I believe God for a suddenly move in your life. That you are completely set free and healed entirely from your past. That you are indeed a mighty man of God. That the blessings of God will overtake you. That the favor of God surrounds you as a shield. That God did call us here to Houston, and that His purposes for our lives will prevail, both individually and as a married couple. That you hear God's voice and are quick to obey it. That you are slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to become angry. That God's perfect love casts out fear. That we're seeking God's kingdom and his righteousness first, and all these things will be added to our lives.That the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. That God's joy is unspeakable for you and full of His glory. That you will run to him and not be afraid to cling to Him as he rejoices in your return.
I never thought in a bazillion years I'd have to stand alone, believing God for you, as my heart feels like it's breaking. I miss the way.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Generational prayers...
I love those nights when I dream dreams about my boys. We don't get to hang out nearly enough for my liking, but either way, I know my Daddy loves me so much that he knows how I value my time with them that He'd give me fun dreams where I get to hang with them. Even in the moments where my heart aches from missing them, I know the day is coming where we'll be together for eternity. At least that is my prayer. My boys all know the truth of God's word, and that He is the way, the truth, and the life. I'm sure every mom who knows Jesus Christ as their savior has had to pray their children will know Jesus Christ as their own savior and that their lives will be lived worthy of the calling that He has called them to purpose for the kingdom. And I'm very sure grandparents who pray have even more of an effect.
You see, I have the most incredible grandmother in the world. I don't get to see her as much as I'd like these days either, and it's hard to watch the effects of time bear weight on her health. This woman was the one who made sure friends from church got to come over when I was little for slumber parties. She'd let me completely wreck her hair playing beauty salon with her to the point she'd have to go the salon the next day to have it professionally fixed again. She'd always encourage us to sing in church. Never a day goes by that I don't remember how much fun and joy I've had at her house growing up. I remember the more recent trials in my life, how she encouraged me by her example to live my life worthy of the calling God gave me. I like to think I got my sense of humor from her, too. I asked her one day how she shows respect to her husband. She said, "Who says I respect him?" which made me laugh. I know she loves Paul dearly and is one amazing wife to him.
So grandma, I just have to tell you how blessed I am to be called your granddaughter. I'm so thankful for your example. I'm so thankful you let my daughters still play beauty shop with you when we come to visit. I'm thankful for every holiday we have the honor of spending with you. I'm thankful for the legacy of Christ that you left for me. And more than ever, I look forward to spending eternity with you in your new, improved body. I know God blessed me when he put me in your family line.
I love you!
You see, I have the most incredible grandmother in the world. I don't get to see her as much as I'd like these days either, and it's hard to watch the effects of time bear weight on her health. This woman was the one who made sure friends from church got to come over when I was little for slumber parties. She'd let me completely wreck her hair playing beauty salon with her to the point she'd have to go the salon the next day to have it professionally fixed again. She'd always encourage us to sing in church. Never a day goes by that I don't remember how much fun and joy I've had at her house growing up. I remember the more recent trials in my life, how she encouraged me by her example to live my life worthy of the calling God gave me. I like to think I got my sense of humor from her, too. I asked her one day how she shows respect to her husband. She said, "Who says I respect him?" which made me laugh. I know she loves Paul dearly and is one amazing wife to him.
So grandma, I just have to tell you how blessed I am to be called your granddaughter. I'm so thankful for your example. I'm so thankful you let my daughters still play beauty shop with you when we come to visit. I'm thankful for every holiday we have the honor of spending with you. I'm thankful for the legacy of Christ that you left for me. And more than ever, I look forward to spending eternity with you in your new, improved body. I know God blessed me when he put me in your family line.
I love you!
Friday, May 3, 2013
My first love...
God has a way of confirming what He's told you over and over again until you begin to listen, hear, see, and understand.
Not so long ago, one of my dearest friends in the entire world gave me a book called "Jesus Calling." It's short, quick devotionals. Today's really hit home for me, and ties into my earlier blog post this week.
YOU CANNOT SERVE TWO MASTERS. If I am truly your Master, you will desire to please Me above all others. If pleasing people is your goal, you will be enslaved to them. People can be harsh taskmasters when you give them this power over you.
If I am the Master of your life, I will also be your First Love. Your serving Me is rooted and grounded in My vast, unconditional Love for you. The lower you bow down before Me, the higher I lift you up into intimate relationship with Me. The Joy of living in My Presence outshines all other pleasures. I want you to reflect My joyous Light by living in incresing intimacy with me.
(Taken from Jesus Calling, Page 130)
I'm sitting here this morning, kind of frustrated because the job server for my main contract is down. I have to complete at least 200 pages of transcription every two weeks. I'm way behind because life has thrown us some curveballs this week. But then this stark reminder. My first love. The lover of my soul, who longs to share intimacy with ME, his beloved daughter. What love this is that He has for me, and I must BE in that light. Wow.
Not so long ago, one of my dearest friends in the entire world gave me a book called "Jesus Calling." It's short, quick devotionals. Today's really hit home for me, and ties into my earlier blog post this week.
YOU CANNOT SERVE TWO MASTERS. If I am truly your Master, you will desire to please Me above all others. If pleasing people is your goal, you will be enslaved to them. People can be harsh taskmasters when you give them this power over you.
If I am the Master of your life, I will also be your First Love. Your serving Me is rooted and grounded in My vast, unconditional Love for you. The lower you bow down before Me, the higher I lift you up into intimate relationship with Me. The Joy of living in My Presence outshines all other pleasures. I want you to reflect My joyous Light by living in incresing intimacy with me.
(Taken from Jesus Calling, Page 130)
I'm sitting here this morning, kind of frustrated because the job server for my main contract is down. I have to complete at least 200 pages of transcription every two weeks. I'm way behind because life has thrown us some curveballs this week. But then this stark reminder. My first love. The lover of my soul, who longs to share intimacy with ME, his beloved daughter. What love this is that He has for me, and I must BE in that light. Wow.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
God's Lavish Love for me...
(Disclaimer: You know, I'm not God. I would encourage you to go to the Word of Truth yourself (AKA the Bible) and SEE for yourself what God has to say on marriage. Don't take my word as His absolute truth. These are only my thoughts. Just a thought before you waste money on another marriage retreat, or a book, or what some guy has to say about marriage. The answers really are in the Bible.)
As of late, I've been hit with a revelation about marriage. Saying there is something wrong with your marriage is like saying something is wrong with God himself. He created marriage, so it is already perfect. What is wrong is there are two imperfect individuals, where the enemy begins to hide in their individual issues and secretly tries to divide and conquer a one-flesh bond because he knows the danger of this great mystery.
My issue? I have idols. An idol is anything that comes before God in your life. And if you thought a man could be jealous for his wife if any man should try to hit on her, that pales in comparison to how jealous God is for your love, to be first in your life. My idols are seemingly innocent things. For example, getting caught up with what is going on with my husband and making his issues my issues. Missing my three boys from my first marriage as a battle to even see them continues to rage. Raising a large family. Throwing myself into countless hours of working from home. All of these have taken priority over my Abba, who is my first love.
So today, as I'm hit with the very fact that it is time to make Jesus my first love again, I am drowning in His love that He has lavished on me, that I should be called a daughter of God! It's so nice to KNOW God all over again, to be in intimate fellowship with Him.
As of late, I've been hit with a revelation about marriage. Saying there is something wrong with your marriage is like saying something is wrong with God himself. He created marriage, so it is already perfect. What is wrong is there are two imperfect individuals, where the enemy begins to hide in their individual issues and secretly tries to divide and conquer a one-flesh bond because he knows the danger of this great mystery.
My issue? I have idols. An idol is anything that comes before God in your life. And if you thought a man could be jealous for his wife if any man should try to hit on her, that pales in comparison to how jealous God is for your love, to be first in your life. My idols are seemingly innocent things. For example, getting caught up with what is going on with my husband and making his issues my issues. Missing my three boys from my first marriage as a battle to even see them continues to rage. Raising a large family. Throwing myself into countless hours of working from home. All of these have taken priority over my Abba, who is my first love.
So today, as I'm hit with the very fact that it is time to make Jesus my first love again, I am drowning in His love that He has lavished on me, that I should be called a daughter of God! It's so nice to KNOW God all over again, to be in intimate fellowship with Him.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
From a Mother's Heart
Yes, usually this blog is about being a wife. But today, I feel a strong need to write a letter to each of my children.
Dear Chase,
I can't believe you're almost 15. Wasn't it just yesterday I heard your tiny squeak, rocked you to sleep, laughed every time I burped you and you sounded like a clucking chicken? I look now at the young man you've become. You are stubborn and strong willed, and you have an amazing sense of humor. Never again can I walk to the front of our church as we pray over our tithes and offerings and not remember the moment when we got done praying and you put your hands in, saying, "Church on 3! Break!" I laugh every time. I love how your mind is so bent on science and the wonder of how God made things work. I love to experience life with you. My prayer for you is Proverbs 2:10: For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Don't forget what you learned about God when you were young, and do not depart from it now. God is your ever-present help in times of trouble. You are so amazing, Chase. I'm so glad God gave me you as an wonderful gift!
Dear Abigail,
Your very name means "father's joy." You truly are your father's joy, both here on Earth and in Heaven. You are my joy too. You have grown into a young woman over the past six years I've known you. You long to please others. And I pray that longing turns into a strong desire to please your Daddy God. My prayer for you is Colossians 1:9-11: For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord,to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light. You have also a very compassionate heart for others. I pray that this trait is grown in you. You melt my heart every time you tell me you're praying for my boys to come home. You see things and feel things. I look forward to watching you grow and mature in Christ, my daughter.
Dear Hunter,
You, my dear son, are what is known as a peacemaker. As Matthew 5:9 states: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. You are already a son of God. I had the unique privilege as a parent to pray with you as you made the choice to decide for God and accept Him as your savior. You are strong-willed yet you do not stand for injustice. You have a spirit that draws people to you. I never see you lacking in friends. You work quickly to mediate and bring peace to any situation. My prayer for you is I Timothy 2:1-6: First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity. This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself as a ransom for all, the testimony given at the proper time. I pray that as God takes you before kings and all authority, Jesus Christ will flow through you as mediator. I look forward to watching you grow and mature in all the knowledge of Christ Jesus.
Dear Rachel,
I never thought I'd be so blessed to have a daughter with my name. Funny how God worked that one out, huh? Your very name means innocent lamb. You are very innocent. You are very caring towards others. And you have a great desire to love and to be loved. My prayer for you is Ephesians 3:14-19: For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. I pray that you know this love of Christ through both your earthly dad and mom, that you are able to comprehend and accept that love and feel secure in that love. I love that you persevere through so much and still manage to show love and compassion towards others. You truly are a gift from God. And I pray that one day, you will be able to accept me as God's gift to you as a mom. I love you to the moon and back, kiddo.
Dear Caleb,
I love how silly you are. I love every face that you make. Your expressions are priceless. I love that even at 7 years old, you still want to snuggle up with mom. I'll never forget the five million and ten times you've come up to me and said, "I love you, mom," with an awesome strong bear hug. I also love that every time I see you, you just HAVE to tell me a knock-knock joke. My prayer for you is Psalm 32:11: Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart. May your heart grow and rejoice in the Lord! I am so grateful that I get to call you mine. What a blessing you are!
Dear Hannah,
I know I've told you this countless times, but you are an answer to prayer of a desire of my own heart. I prayed for you for ten years. God's grace and favor truly does rest on your life, even from the time you were conceived. The docs told me immediately that you weren't going to survive. And yet there you were, nine months later, screaming your head off when you were born. You may be tiny, but you are definitely very intelligent already, and you have a very strong will. I pray this trait will be used for God's kingdom and not by the enemy to destroy your life. But you are giggle box at heart, and you love all things girl. I can't forget all the stories about Sarah, your best imaginary friend, who lives in a sparkly purple house. My prayer for you is 2 Corinthians 12:9: And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. I pray that God's grace is perfected in your life through weakness, and that you always know that His grace and favor continually rest on your life. I love you, little one.
Dear Nate,
You are the only kiddo God specifically asked me if He could send. I knew that if your dad ever had a boy, he wanted to name you Nathanael because of Nathanael in the Bible who saw angels ascending and descending from heaven. Even at 3, you're always telling me that you see angels. We have never talked much about angels other than in me praying over you at night. But my heart is warmed because I know without a doubt that you see them. I love all of your snuggles at night. I love that you're learning to gain your own identity and independence. I love that you're all boy and don't want anything to do with girly stuff. My prayer is for you is John 1:49-51: Nathanael answered Him, “Rabbi, You are the Son of God; You are the King of Israel.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Because I said to you that I saw you under the fig tree, do you believe? You will see greater things than these.” And He *said to him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you will see the heavens opened and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.” I pray that you will always see greater things in life and in everyone. You are indeed a great gift to your mom. I cannot wait as I watch you grow and mature. I love you!
Dear Chase,
I can't believe you're almost 15. Wasn't it just yesterday I heard your tiny squeak, rocked you to sleep, laughed every time I burped you and you sounded like a clucking chicken? I look now at the young man you've become. You are stubborn and strong willed, and you have an amazing sense of humor. Never again can I walk to the front of our church as we pray over our tithes and offerings and not remember the moment when we got done praying and you put your hands in, saying, "Church on 3! Break!" I laugh every time. I love how your mind is so bent on science and the wonder of how God made things work. I love to experience life with you. My prayer for you is Proverbs 2:10: For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Don't forget what you learned about God when you were young, and do not depart from it now. God is your ever-present help in times of trouble. You are so amazing, Chase. I'm so glad God gave me you as an wonderful gift!
Dear Abigail,
Your very name means "father's joy." You truly are your father's joy, both here on Earth and in Heaven. You are my joy too. You have grown into a young woman over the past six years I've known you. You long to please others. And I pray that longing turns into a strong desire to please your Daddy God. My prayer for you is Colossians 1:9-11: For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord,to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light. You have also a very compassionate heart for others. I pray that this trait is grown in you. You melt my heart every time you tell me you're praying for my boys to come home. You see things and feel things. I look forward to watching you grow and mature in Christ, my daughter.
Dear Hunter,
You, my dear son, are what is known as a peacemaker. As Matthew 5:9 states: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. You are already a son of God. I had the unique privilege as a parent to pray with you as you made the choice to decide for God and accept Him as your savior. You are strong-willed yet you do not stand for injustice. You have a spirit that draws people to you. I never see you lacking in friends. You work quickly to mediate and bring peace to any situation. My prayer for you is I Timothy 2:1-6: First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity. This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself as a ransom for all, the testimony given at the proper time. I pray that as God takes you before kings and all authority, Jesus Christ will flow through you as mediator. I look forward to watching you grow and mature in all the knowledge of Christ Jesus.
Dear Rachel,
I never thought I'd be so blessed to have a daughter with my name. Funny how God worked that one out, huh? Your very name means innocent lamb. You are very innocent. You are very caring towards others. And you have a great desire to love and to be loved. My prayer for you is Ephesians 3:14-19: For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. I pray that you know this love of Christ through both your earthly dad and mom, that you are able to comprehend and accept that love and feel secure in that love. I love that you persevere through so much and still manage to show love and compassion towards others. You truly are a gift from God. And I pray that one day, you will be able to accept me as God's gift to you as a mom. I love you to the moon and back, kiddo.
Dear Caleb,
I love how silly you are. I love every face that you make. Your expressions are priceless. I love that even at 7 years old, you still want to snuggle up with mom. I'll never forget the five million and ten times you've come up to me and said, "I love you, mom," with an awesome strong bear hug. I also love that every time I see you, you just HAVE to tell me a knock-knock joke. My prayer for you is Psalm 32:11: Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart. May your heart grow and rejoice in the Lord! I am so grateful that I get to call you mine. What a blessing you are!
Dear Hannah,
I know I've told you this countless times, but you are an answer to prayer of a desire of my own heart. I prayed for you for ten years. God's grace and favor truly does rest on your life, even from the time you were conceived. The docs told me immediately that you weren't going to survive. And yet there you were, nine months later, screaming your head off when you were born. You may be tiny, but you are definitely very intelligent already, and you have a very strong will. I pray this trait will be used for God's kingdom and not by the enemy to destroy your life. But you are giggle box at heart, and you love all things girl. I can't forget all the stories about Sarah, your best imaginary friend, who lives in a sparkly purple house. My prayer for you is 2 Corinthians 12:9: And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. I pray that God's grace is perfected in your life through weakness, and that you always know that His grace and favor continually rest on your life. I love you, little one.
Dear Nate,
You are the only kiddo God specifically asked me if He could send. I knew that if your dad ever had a boy, he wanted to name you Nathanael because of Nathanael in the Bible who saw angels ascending and descending from heaven. Even at 3, you're always telling me that you see angels. We have never talked much about angels other than in me praying over you at night. But my heart is warmed because I know without a doubt that you see them. I love all of your snuggles at night. I love that you're learning to gain your own identity and independence. I love that you're all boy and don't want anything to do with girly stuff. My prayer is for you is John 1:49-51: Nathanael answered Him, “Rabbi, You are the Son of God; You are the King of Israel.” Jesus answered and said to him, “Because I said to you that I saw you under the fig tree, do you believe? You will see greater things than these.” And He *said to him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you will see the heavens opened and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.” I pray that you will always see greater things in life and in everyone. You are indeed a great gift to your mom. I cannot wait as I watch you grow and mature. I love you!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
In the midst, I BELIEVE...
When I met you six or so years ago, our entire relationship was chaotic. I thought by now that maybe it would not have been so chaotic. Marriage is bliss, right? A few days ago, it was revealed by the heart of my Father as to why it's been so chaotic. My heart grieves for you, my husband. It sees your destruction at hand, knowing full well that this battle for your life, God's plans for your life, for your very soul could very well go either way. My heart grieves because you're so far away these days. This marriage is going through a test like no other. I never know what side of you I will see on this day. I may have my man is a knight in shining armor day, full of gentleness and tenderness and love. Or it may be a day where your anger, your pride, your hatred, your bitterness, all the works of the flesh have overpowered you and none of your family can stand against the onslaught, all of us cowering in fear of the show at hand.
But you asked me today if things were ever going to change. And the answer is I BELIEVE so much in the power of God working in you, that He will indeed carry you to the day of completion in Christ Jesus, that I know that they will permanently change. The frustration will be gone in your life. A complete freedom is coming to you; every chain will be broken off of your life and off your torrid past. You will see and feel things in light of God's love for you. I know it will happen because He's done a great work in me.
But in the meantime, oh, how my heart grieves. The depth of the grief in my spirit for you is nothing I've ever felt before. The only thing that could possibly break my heart in such a way from watching your life is happening before my very eyes. I will stay with you and stand with you right by your side, ready to fully enjoy life with you and watch as the Father restores you. I know the hard fall is coming soon. And when the scales drop from your eyes, just know that you can come to me, and I will still love you then as much as I love you now, yet I know I will love you even more.
What I know more about you than anything is God gave you a persevering spirit. I have watched you rise up time and again after being knocked down. There is something so wonderful in you, so beautiful in you that I know my heart will rejoice in the joy of your salvation as much as it is grieving and heavy right now.
I do believe in you, and I still love you even when you're so far away.
But you asked me today if things were ever going to change. And the answer is I BELIEVE so much in the power of God working in you, that He will indeed carry you to the day of completion in Christ Jesus, that I know that they will permanently change. The frustration will be gone in your life. A complete freedom is coming to you; every chain will be broken off of your life and off your torrid past. You will see and feel things in light of God's love for you. I know it will happen because He's done a great work in me.
But in the meantime, oh, how my heart grieves. The depth of the grief in my spirit for you is nothing I've ever felt before. The only thing that could possibly break my heart in such a way from watching your life is happening before my very eyes. I will stay with you and stand with you right by your side, ready to fully enjoy life with you and watch as the Father restores you. I know the hard fall is coming soon. And when the scales drop from your eyes, just know that you can come to me, and I will still love you then as much as I love you now, yet I know I will love you even more.
What I know more about you than anything is God gave you a persevering spirit. I have watched you rise up time and again after being knocked down. There is something so wonderful in you, so beautiful in you that I know my heart will rejoice in the joy of your salvation as much as it is grieving and heavy right now.
I do believe in you, and I still love you even when you're so far away.
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