Last night into today, I learned something new about God and his attitude towards sin. I had one of those moments as a wife yesterday where I had to go off alone and begin to process things. I had to pray because suddenly, my strength was absolutely GONE. I've had so many of those moments over the past five years, especially so over the past few months. It is true where your strength ends that God's strength begins. It is also true that God really wanted you to rely on His strength all along.
Being married is HARD. Don't let anyone tell you that it isn't. Many married couples celebrate anniversaries by the grace of God, which is true of mine. Marriage is for LIFE. Nothing good comes from divorce, which is what I'm beginning to painfully understand now. Yet something so precious, so great, comes from getting married again. Something even greater comes from staying married for LIFE. I know that I still wait as healing comes to my family in waves. We take small steps forward and sometimes, it feels like HUGE, faltering steps back.
Today was a HUGE step back. I found that for the first time, I wasn't really angry at my husband. I was disgusted with this huge demon in his life called Anger. Anger that overwhelms. Anger that makes excuses. Anger that says, "I can never change. I will trap you in my grasp forever." Anger that screams and curses in its rage and that cannot allow wisdom and understanding to enter in. Anger that controls instead of being controlled. You see, I know that the man that God created my husband to become isn't angry in a sinful way. If I had not seen the picture of who God would mold him to become, then I would have not had the strength to marry him in the beginning, when I was still suffering from the pain of absolute rejection.
But today, I also see that while sin breaks the heart of the Father, He still loves us. As the teacher to my children, the good that came from this day is that God doesn't yell at us in Anger. He chastens us in love, never screaming or yelling at us that He hates us. He disciplines us because He loves us so much.
As a wife, I am placed in situations where I'd rather not be, being called upon to speak the truth of God when I'd rather not, instead being quiet so as not to break the happy bubble or bring on a verbal onslaught. Not so easy when God isn't letting you even sleep because He needs to use you to speak a painful truth. Sin is so damaging, God will do anything to keep you from it... even use you as a wife or a husband to speak what He needs to speak.
So today, I keep that picture in mind. I'm reminded of something I read on Facebook yesterday. That knight in shining armor on a white steed has NOTHING on my husband. I know it may seem a major setback, but in the end, my husband is still God's son. And I want my Daddy, on the day we meet, to be proud of me for the way I've treated His son, my husband, despite how I am being treated.
But today, as my husband's keeper, I pray for his freedom from anger that controls. I pray for all-out breakthrough in his spirit for complete healing from places of deep pain. My husband will step up and lead our home even if he's scared sometimes. As a mother, I need him to teach our children about who God is and why He loves them. As a wife, I need to know that when I fall down, he will love me and support me through it. And as a family, we will continue to grow and love and be a place of safety for each other and for our children as they grow to know Christ Jesus. The peace of God is prevalent in my home and in my heart. And I fully believe that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is complete Freedom.