I'm sitting here, thinking to myself, "What's the point of writing all of this down?" I don't feel like writing today, writing about where things are. Part of me doesn't want to hang out with Abba, but the bigger part of me does. But quiet and stillness don't often happen in the hours when my blessings are awake.
I was listening to Sid Roth this morning, hearing a fiery-haired woman talk about waking up in the morning, totally in love with the Holy Spirit. That got my thinking about that giddy feeling I had when I first met Ryan. I thought to myself, "Can I really have that kind of relationship with You?" "YES!" the Holy Spirit said. "Except you get to feel that giddiness of that first love with me all of the time, and that feeling will NEVER dissipate." Which gives me a total understanding of why Kathryn Kuhlman would be so grieved if she felt the Holy Spirit's presence left her, crying out, "Please don't grieve Him! He's all that I have!"
Thus began so many thoughts pouring into my spirit man today. So many thoughts in which my heart knows, but cannot write. But they're clear, precise answers, and I know the answer to what I was praying about yesterday, not knowing for certain if the thoughts going through my head were: 1. My thoughts, 2. The enemy's lies, or 3. God's thoughts for me.
I've been walking this very thin tightrope in relation to others around me, feeling for a while that the rope was about to snap. Like I've been pressed in so hard from every side, that taking a simple breath became a monumental struggle. Drowning, but no one to rescue me. Feeling like I'm not good enough to be a wife, or a mother, or a friend, or a sister, or a daughter, or even an employee. All relationships in different forms. Feeling like I want to be the best friend you ever had, but I'm not good enough to actually be your friend. Getting bombarded so heavily that I feel an inch high and maybe if I'm lucky, I can disappear and no one will notice. Wanting to be a part of a real church family, but too afraid I'm going to get stomped on again by some well-meaning Christian. (Yes, people in churches do hurt, and they do unfortunately hurt others.) I know they're all lies, and I'm slowly but surely renewing my mind in the Word as my Abba shows me what I need to combat the enemy's lies, and what the truth is.
So my prayer for today is such a simply profound one: Bombard me with your love, Abba. I need to know it fully, even as I am fully known. I need that love to cast out every hidden fear, buried fear. Love me so well, that I can so easily trust in You as I never have before.