Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I looked up today...

I am broken, and my heart hurts. As much as I love you, Superman, I came to a hard realization today. God's purpose for my life is a big deal for me. I thought it was a big deal for us. But I found out today that it's not going to be us. That nearly broke all of me. How is it that so few, yet so many words could shatter me into a million pieces? I'll smile at you, tell you I love you. I'll ask Abba to help me forgive, and help me show you unconditional love, and grace and mercy. But you know what? I'm not okay right now. I wish I could share my heart with you, could cry in front of you without fear of the backlash of sharing my weakness with you. I looked up today, and I realized that I'm struggling to remember who Abba says I am today. I hear your criticism. I hear your anger. I hear your fear. But I need more. I need more, Abba. I need to be able to rest. I need to feel your love. I need to be taught that love that casts out all of my fear. I need to know that through this immense pain, that all things are working together for my good. I need you to remind me of who I am, because all I hear right now is my accuser. And I know well how much my accuser lies to me. Oh, how my heart grieves right now. Joy. I want to know Joy without abandon.

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